


I tried so hard and got so far (But in the end, it doesn't even matter)

by GonerLoner



Series: vent fics [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA, Angst with a Happy Ending, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Jisung has A Hard Time, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Han Jisung | Han, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Vent Writing, We Die Like Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 03:47:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19782616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonerLoner/pseuds/GonerLoner
Summary: When your day already starts horribly...and then ends in a panic attack.Luckily, Jisung's favorite hyungs are there to make him feel better again.





	I tried so hard and got so far (But in the end, it doesn't even matter)

**Author's Note:**

> So, uh...yeah. Another piece of vent-writing.   
> I'm not going to edit any part of this series so you guys know what my brain produces if it just wants to project on someone - and this time, this someone happened to be Jisung. I'm sorry, Sungie.
> 
> TW for: detailed description of panic attacks.

He should have felt it.

He should have felt it building up over the course of the day.

But no, Jisung chose to ignore it.

They had a busy day - dance practice, vocal lessons, rap lessons, time in the studio with Changbin- and Chan-hyung, barely any time to rest.

What did it really matter how tight his chest was since the moment he opened his eyes this morning?

Jisung knew himself. He knew this would end in a panic attack. But he had no time, no space, nowhere where he could break down safely, where he could let loose of all the emotions building up inside of him - so he suppressed it. Told himself to  _ suck it up  _ and  _ be good  _ and  _ not cause the hyungs any trouble. _

It made him jittery. The feeling radiating from the center of his chest into his arms and legs, making his breathing stutter several times as he tried his goddamn best to follow the others through the choreography,  _ not make any mistake, do not mess up, for god’s sake. _

Eventually, Chan called for a break and next to Felix, he was the first one to collapse on the floor of the dance room. He took deep breaths, leaning forward to cover his face with his hands, shame hot in his chest as the three times he stumbled, messed up, fluttered through his mind again.  _ Clumsy, stupid, couldn’t he be more careful, graceful with his steps.  _

He even almost brought Seungmin down with him, both boys barely able to save themselves.

Jisung was sure someone would talk to him because of that.

Indeed, a few seconds later, he heard steps coming towards him, a person crouching in front of him. A hand placed itself on his shoulder, it was Chan’s. “Jisung.”

Jisung looked up at that, fear in his big eyes.

Chan smiled, tired, but also a bit disappointed. “Try to not stumble into Seungmin, okay? We don’t have much longer to fully get this choreography down. It needs to be perfect.”

_ He knew that...oh, how he knew. And he was the one hindering them from perfecting their moves. _

He flinched, looking away. “I will try my best, hyung”, he whispered, not fully trusting his voice to speak louder.

The sharp pang of guilt added to the stinging feeling in his chest.

Chan nodded with a sigh, squeezing his shoulder one last time before standing up again, clapping twice. “Okay, one more round and we’re done for today!”

Jisung stood up, swaying a bit on shaky legs. He hadn’t managed to eat something this morning - which came back at him now full force. 

Squeezing his eyes shut for a few seconds, he took another big gulp from his water bottle before joining the others in the starting position.

He could do this.

_ He could not do this. _

It was...nine now, he thought - at least it was evening and the sun was setting. Changbin, Chan and he were seated in their small, own studio, Jisung on the couch with his notebook in his lap, Changbin on the floor with his headphones in and Chan on his office chair with his laptop in his lap.

Jisung stared at the blank pages of his notebook until it started to blur in front of his eyes. 

Nothing was going right today. His voice had cracked during vocal lessons, he had forgotten his lyrics in rap lessons, gotten a scolding for both of it and Changbin had already reprimanded him for not paying attention to what he or Chan were saying since they entered the studio.

And now, he was supposed to come up with lyrics, lyrics for their next song, a song that would make them famous - but all he could think of were words of self-hatred and anger, disgust, desperation, and sadness.

But wait…

He once read somewhere that writing down everything you were feeling helped a lot in sorting it all out.

Casting a cautious look at Changbin and Chan who wasn’t really paying attention to him, Jisung took a deep breath and started to write.

His pencil scratched over the paper, hesitantly, slowly at first before becoming more forceful, faster, faster, faster - until he was almost piercing through the pages.

But he couldn’t see it, tears were blurring the world in front of his eyes, a sob started to tear itself from his throat- which was when he realized he had to leave the room.

It didn’t matter that his hyungs were staring at him now, worriedly calling his name - it was too small in here. He needed air, air, air-

Jisung threw his notebook to the ground, jumping up and bolting towards the door, almost stumbling over Changbin’s shoes and only Chan’s quick reaction of pulling him back by his shirt saved him from face-planting to the ground.

“Jisung!” The call was panicked now - but all Jisung registered was Chan still holding him back, not letting him go.

Another sob escaped him and all strength drained from his muscles, he sank to the ground, freeing himself from Chan’s grip and scooting backward until his back hit the door, curling in on himself. His breath was flying through his chest, his hands gripping his hair, pulling, his heart fluttering like a deathly panicked bird and he sobbed, cried, because it was all too much, too much, too much-

“-sung! Sungie, baby, love, can you hear me?”

A voice cut through the fog in his head and it took him all his strength to move his arms aside until he could see who was kneeling in front of him. 

Chan. And Changbin. Both of them.

Poorly masked panic lined their faces and Chan had his hands raised, hovering near Jisung as if he wasn’t sure if the younger wanted to be touched.

“Baby”, Chan continued again, something in Jisung melting at the nickname. “Can I touch you?” His voice was soft, calm, even though it shook a bit.

Jisung only managed a nod.

But it was enough for Chan as the elder scooted forward with a relieved sigh and carefully pulled Jisung’s hands from his hair, holding them in his own instead, not moving a muscle even as Jisung tightly squeezed his hands, still searching for an anchor to keep him afloat. He still needed air, he realized, he couldn’t breathe-

“Sungie, baby, what I want you to do for me now is breathe, alright?” Chan’s voice interrupted his thoughts and Jisung stared at him, panicked and wide-eyed because  _ how _ ?

“Here.” Bringing his right hand, tightly held by Jisung’s left hand, to his chest and coaxing him to let go for a bit until he laid Jisung’s flat palm on his chest, his own hand covering it completely.

“Breathe with me, Sungie.” And then, Chan’s chest rose as he took a deep breath, held it for a second and then breathed out again. Jisung tried to follow his example, but he breathed out too fast and it scared him and made his breathing pick up again.

“Shhh, you’re safe, Sungie.” Changbin’s deep, gentle, raspy voice brought him back again. “Everything will be okay. One more time, baby, you’re doing so well.” One of his hands came up to gently rub circles into Jisung’s arm and it gave the younger the strength to try it again. Now, he even managed to hold the breath for a second.

After a few deep breaths, his heart had calmed down a bit and Chan gave him a blinding, relieved smile. “There you go, baby. You did wonderful.”

Despite the reassuring words, Jisung felt shame suddenly flooding his insides and he turned his gaze away, attempting to pull his hands back again so he could curl into a ball again. 

His hyungs saw him breaking down...He shouldn’t put more on them than they already had to carry.

Tears blurred his sight again. “I’m sorry, hyungs…”

Changbin frowned, scooting closer to him, his dark brown eyes unusually serious. “Sorry for what, baby?”

“I...I...I couldn’t deal with this, it got too much and now I broke down in front of you and-” Chan didn’t let him finish as he suddenly leaned forward to pull Jisung against his chest, drawing a surprised squeak out of him. Both of them tipped backward again until they ended up on the floor, Jisung on top of Chan, held tightly against his chest. 

“Don’t apologize for showing your feelings, baby”, he whispered into Jisung’s hair. “Don’t be afraid to come to us whenever your day is hard, whenever you need cuddles or a safe space to break down.”

“Yeah”, Changbin added quietly, laying down next to them and throwing an arm over Jisung’s figure. “You’re safe with us, Sungie. Please, don’t ever forget that.” He leaned up to press a feather-light kiss to Jisung’s head.

And that, together with the warmth of Chan holding him close as well as their words made Jisung break into tears again.

Both boys cooed gently, Chan lifting his hand to gently push Jisung’s hair from his forehead. “I’m sorry for how I behaved towards you this morning”, he admitted quietly. “It must have been a rough day for you, huh?”

Jisung nodded, whimpering softly. 

Changbin took one of his hands, gently playing with his rings. “I’m also sorry for scolding you like that...I shouldn’t have been this rough.” He sighed, smiling a bit when Jisung turned his face to the side to look at him. “You forgive us?”

“I could never be angry at you”, he whispered, voice hoarse from all the crying.

Chan scoffed a bit, pressing another kiss to Jisung’s head and tightening his grip. “You say that now.”

Jisung wanted to disagree, but he was too tired to do much more than to sigh and cuddle deeper against Chan again. The warmth made him sleepy and he had to fight to not let his eyes slip closed.

“Awww, is our baby tired?” Changbin’s soft voice reached his ears and a hand gently cupped his cheek, prompting Jisung to lean into the touch, humming affirmatively.

Chan and Changbin exchanged a gaze, smiling softly. “Why don’t we stop it here for today and go back to the dorms. I know a certain someone”, he squeezed Jisung lightly, “who’s not sleeping alone tonight.”

“Can we all sleep in one bed?”, Jisung asked sleepily. He didn’t want to let go of the comforting, warm feeling of safety they both awoke in him.

“Of course, baby. Anything for you.”

Changbin helped both of them to stand up again and they decided to leave their laptops in the locked studio. It wasn’t like anyone would come overnight and steal them.

And as Jisung leaned against Chan’s shoulder in the car on the way back to the dorm, a soft, gentle smile pulled his lips apart.


End file.
